he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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