I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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