I think i sorta joined a cult last night
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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