Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize