help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
