the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
