any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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