In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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