he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
