It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
