I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You are the jesus of drinking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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