did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
