When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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