Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
