Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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