Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
