I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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