I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
