I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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