We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
