Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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