i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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