Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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