it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
