It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
