Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
