At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
