you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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