it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
