Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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