my phone needs a breathalizer
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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