I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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