good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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