At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
