Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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