saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
