my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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