I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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