textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
