i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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