Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize