As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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