I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
