Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize