a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
