did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We're too hungover to prance.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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