when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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