the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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