I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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