the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
