A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
