I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
