woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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