is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
