i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize