hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
