I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
