You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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